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Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

I’ve always been irritated by people who try to prove that their opinion of something is the best. Let alone proving their notion to be the greatest, some  refuse to realize that everybody has an opinion. Most act as if it’s wrong of others to differ with them.

It’s more irritating to see people who come to limelight because of their different opinion start behaving as if they have become that opinion. As if they are living that belief. Looking at every good thing through the glass of their impression and commenting on it. A few of those species can be found here, here and here.

Well, my way of analyzing metaphysical things is to compare and try to equate it with something which physically exists, study it’s behavior and try to extrapolate it to fit the original object under study. But in this case, I was pathetically unable to find a tantamount object. What the hell can I compare an opinion to?

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about Bhagavad Gita and how answers to all the questions in the world lie within us. That’s when I had my Eureka moment. The solution to the aforementioned puzzle was always hiding inside me, in the remote bottom corner of my own body. That’s when I realized that Opinions are like assholes. [Though googling it proved that someone else had already discovered it]

Yes. They are. Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has  got one.  But you have to go through an awful lot of pain if you want to prove yours is the best. And usually, it’s not worth it. [an IfYouKnowWhatIMean wink]

How do you even say that your asshole is the best? Even if you have seen all the assholes in the world, you still can’t see yours. Though you’ve felt what it is like to have your asshole, you can’t have anybody else’s!

With all these constraints why do you even try to compare assholes? How does it even matter?

Well, similarly, having an asshole is fine. There is nothing wrong with it! It’s perfectly natural. But when you become your opinion, you become an asshole. And when you become an asshole, all your output is shit. That’s when you have a problem. That’s when you stink the place up.

Well, that’s just my ‘opinion’. Feel free to open up and give yours. 😉

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Norwegian Nobel Committee announced today that this year’s Nobel Peace Prize will be awarded to Jake Sully, the human turned na’vi character from Avatar. “The committee was really impressed by Jake’s speech which united the na’vi under his command and inspired them to defend Pandora from humans”, said Thorbjorn Jagland, the chairperson of the committee. ” He is being given the prize for the stability in his voice, awesome hand gestures and the ability to convey thoughts  in the simplest of words” he added.

“Please note that the prize is being awarded to Jake Sully and not James Cameron. It’s the person who made the speech that matters, not the one who wrote it.[wink]. So efforts on discovering Pandora, learning their language and bringing Sully to Oslo are welcome”, said another committee member.

“We wanted to tell the world that we don’t consider the skin tone of the nominees while deciding on the prize. Last year we gave it to Obama and this time we just wanted to prove that we’re not limited to grey scale“, said Ågot Valle contradicting her own argument .

When  a bewildered journalist present during the conference wondered “Sir, Shouldn’t Nobel Peace Prize be awarded to the one who ‘shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses’? Didn’t Jake build up a massive army to fight the humans?”, “Well, we got through the same thing last year, didn’t we?  So we thought we can take another chance”, replied Jagland.

They didn’t entertain any more questions or comments.

Meanwhile, the reaction from the community has been a mixture of disbelief and excitement.

“How can someone get a Nobel Peace Prize for a speech? That too a speech he didn’t even write? Jesus!”, said President of USA and Nobel laureate Barrack Obama.

“What about my speech in Mohabbatein? I stood up to face the mad ass principal for love! That was something?! May be nobody understood my speech as I was trying to overact”, said Raj Aryan talking to himself.

When asked about the announcement, “You know how it feels when you create something stupid for your own satisfaction and it reaches a place that it really doesn’t deserve?”, replied James Cameron with another question.

“Hey, that’s exactly how I felt when Kummy became the chief minister!”, quipped former prime minister Deve Gowda.

“Ofcourse he deserved a Nobel Prize. He achieved what world leaders couldn’t accomplish in Copenhagen by ‘coping with a hag‘. Hahhahah”, said English professor Mahesh Prabhu and continued to laugh at his own joke.

“He has moral fiber man..”, said Hollywood actor Emile Hirsch,” He did exactly what I said in Girl Next Door. No wonder he won a Nobel Prize” and went on to repeat the whole speech. [Must watch video here]

“Jake Sully did nothing to improve the condition of animals. Connecting your mind with theirs? What about their privacy? I want all the scenes with animals to be edited out of the movie”, demanded animal rights activist, Maneka Gandhi.

In the mean time, Cameron and his friends are working on  na’vi copulation techniques in an attempt to win Nobel Prize for physiology next year.

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Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to a real person only means that I’m good at writing this stuff.

In an unprecedented  move, Govt. of Karnataka announced a new rule today according to which  members of Royal Challengers Bangalore squad have to speak in Kannada both on and off the field. The squad, which consists mostly of South African test players,  New Zealanders , English speaking Indians and hot cheerleaders from US is baffled by the rule.

Meanwhile, the incident has generated a wide range of remarks all over the country.

“It’s a High Court order and the Reddys want to popularize their ‘Kannada for Dumbasses‘ book series, so there is pretty much nothing that I can do about it”, said a nonchalant Yeddyurappa.

“I welcome this new rule. It’s definitely going to change the landscape of women empowerment in rural Karnataka” said a totally clueless Shobha Karandlaje before adding “I have setup a meeting with CM tonight to discuss the issue” with a wink.

“I urge the Government to start  Training In Kannada Academy (TIKA) in Hassan and make me in charge. I’ll teach those sons of bitches their first lessons in Kannada” roared former Prime Minister Deve Gowda.

“It’s very important to always speak in your mother tongue, you know. I mean it’s like your duty alwa.. That’s why I like this rule very much” opined Kannada actress and RCB brand ambassador Ramya .

Vatal Nagaraj, THE pro-kannada activist, said ” Anybody who sets foot in Karnataka should speak Kannada regardless of which state or country he/she belongs to. So educating them in Kannada medium is absolutely necessary” before excusing himself to pick up his grand daughter from Sophia’s.

“There’s no way that they are going to win against us if they speak Kannada. It’s an ordinary language” stated Virender Sehwag.

“I totally disagree with Sehwag. Speaking Kannada has a magical effect as far as cricket is concerned. How do you think I got so many wickets with those slow, full pitched deliveries that even a two year old could play? eh?”, countered India’s former bowling coach, Karnataka’s pride Venkatesh Prasad with a shy grin on his face.

All attempts to contact Vijay Mallaya, the owner of RCB have failed. Since he is technically a part of the squad, he is believed to be learning Kannada ferociously using Kannada for Dumbasses. The rumours also say that the sound ‘All izz well, All izz well, All izz well” can be heard from his house occasionally.

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