RCB squad should speak Kannada and Kannada only: Government

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to a real person only means that I’m good at writing this stuff.

In an unprecedented  move, Govt. of Karnataka announced a new rule today according to which  members of Royal Challengers Bangalore squad have to speak in Kannada both on and off the field. The squad, which consists mostly of South African test players,  New Zealanders , English speaking Indians and hot cheerleaders from US is baffled by the rule.

Meanwhile, the incident has generated a wide range of remarks all over the country.

“It’s a High Court order and the Reddys want to popularize their ‘Kannada for Dumbasses‘ book series, so there is pretty much nothing that I can do about it”, said a nonchalant Yeddyurappa.

“I welcome this new rule. It’s definitely going to change the landscape of women empowerment in rural Karnataka” said a totally clueless Shobha Karandlaje before adding “I have setup a meeting with CM tonight to discuss the issue” with a wink.

“I urge the Government to start  Training In Kannada Academy (TIKA) in Hassan and make me in charge. I’ll teach those sons of bitches their first lessons in Kannada” roared former Prime Minister Deve Gowda.

“It’s very important to always speak in your mother tongue, you know. I mean it’s like your duty alwa.. That’s why I like this rule very much” opined Kannada actress and RCB brand ambassador Ramya .

Vatal Nagaraj, THE pro-kannada activist, said ” Anybody who sets foot in Karnataka should speak Kannada regardless of which state or country he/she belongs to. So educating them in Kannada medium is absolutely necessary” before excusing himself to pick up his grand daughter from Sophia’s.

“There’s no way that they are going to win against us if they speak Kannada. It’s an ordinary language” stated Virender Sehwag.

“I totally disagree with Sehwag. Speaking Kannada has a magical effect as far as cricket is concerned. How do you think I got so many wickets with those slow, full pitched deliveries that even a two year old could play? eh?”, countered India’s former bowling coach, Karnataka’s pride Venkatesh Prasad with a shy grin on his face.

All attempts to contact Vijay Mallaya, the owner of RCB have failed. Since he is technically a part of the squad, he is believed to be learning Kannada ferociously using Kannada for Dumbasses. The rumours also say that the sound ‘All izz well, All izz well, All izz well” can be heard from his house occasionally.