Feeds:
Posts
Comments

I’ve always been irritated by people who try to prove that their opinion of something is the best. Let alone proving their notion to be the greatest, some  refuse to realize that everybody has an opinion. Most act as if it’s wrong of others to differ with them.

It’s more irritating to see people who come to limelight because of their different opinion start behaving as if they have become that opinion. As if they are living that belief. Looking at every good thing through the glass of their impression and commenting on it. A few of those species can be found here, here and here.

Well, my way of analyzing metaphysical things is to compare and try to equate it with something which physically exists, study it’s behavior and try to extrapolate it to fit the original object under study. But in this case, I was pathetically unable to find a tantamount object. What the hell can I compare an opinion to?

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about Bhagavad Gita and how answers to all the questions in the world lie within us. That’s when I had my Eureka moment. The solution to the aforementioned puzzle was always hiding inside me, in the remote bottom corner of my own body. That’s when I realized that Opinions are like assholes. [Though googling it proved that someone else had already discovered it]

Yes. They are. Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has  got one.  But you have to go through an awful lot of pain if you want to prove yours is the best. And usually, it’s not worth it. [an IfYouKnowWhatIMean wink]

How do you even say that your asshole is the best? Even if you have seen all the assholes in the world, you still can’t see yours. Though you’ve felt what it is like to have your asshole, you can’t have anybody else’s!

With all these constraints why do you even try to compare assholes? How does it even matter?

Well, similarly, having an asshole is fine. There is nothing wrong with it! It’s perfectly natural. But when you become your opinion, you become an asshole. And when you become an asshole, all your output is shit. That’s when you have a problem. That’s when you stink the place up.

Well, that’s just my ‘opinion’. Feel free to open up and give yours. ;)

He woke up with a shock.

Light coming from the window with no curtain had already filled the room. He looked at the calendar almost hoping it’ll be something different. Nope. It was not. It was his birthday.

Birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions. Particularly if it’s your 60th. That’s when you retire from your job, children take full responsibility of the house and life kind of runs on it’s own whilst you sit back and relax. If only he had a job that he could retire from. If only his children were responsible enough..

Sixty years, he thought, had drifted past him. But he felt as if it was just the beginning. Because only now was he starting to reap the benefits of all his hard work. Some small returns. Not that he was all happy now. Life was nowhere near what he thought it should be.

He slipped into flashback.

Three children in the family. He was still a kid back then. He never liked his brothers. Except appearance he found nothing in common between them. He lived in a separate house from as long as he could remember. Now even the other two had drifted apart. He never interfered in their businesses. Anybody’s for that matter. That was his nature. But they were always there to impede everything that he did. To hurt him in all possible places. Sometimes for something that he did, a few times for something he didn’t do and usually for no reason at all. He had learnt to live with them. “Well, that’s life. What can you do?!”.

But it distressed him when his own children fought with each other. A new fight everyday. Let alone caring for him, let alone caring for their family, they didn’t even care for themselves. In his own words ,” too egoistic to care for nothing but ego”. Although there were rare incidents of love and harmony, they could easily pickup a fight on petty things. Sigh.

He looked at the clock. It was getting late. He got ready for work and stepped out of his room. A loud cheer from God knows how many people hit his eardrums.

It took a while for him to realize what was happening. His whole family was there and a cake at the center. They all looked so happy together. Helping each other, smiling.

Hope it stays like this, he cut the cake. May be it is just the beginning.

In case the writing was too dumb and you didn’t notice the figure of speech,

He –> Republic of India.

Children –> Citizens of India.

I don’t need to say who his brothers are, do I?

Norwegian Nobel Committee announced today that this year’s Nobel Peace Prize will be awarded to Jake Sully, the human turned na’vi character from Avatar. “The committee was really impressed by Jake’s speech which united the na’vi under his command and inspired them to defend Pandora from humans”, said Thorbjorn Jagland, the chairperson of the committee. ” He is being given the prize for the stability in his voice, awesome hand gestures and the ability to convey thoughts  in the simplest of words” he added.

“Please note that the prize is being awarded to Jake Sully and not James Cameron. It’s the person who made the speech that matters, not the one who wrote it.[wink]. So efforts on discovering Pandora, learning their language and bringing Sully to Oslo are welcome”, said another committee member.

“We wanted to tell the world that we don’t consider the skin tone of the nominees while deciding on the prize. Last year we gave it to Obama and this time we just wanted to prove that we’re not limited to grey scale“, said Ågot Valle contradicting her own argument .

When  a bewildered journalist present during the conference wondered “Sir, Shouldn’t Nobel Peace Prize be awarded to the one who ‘shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses’? Didn’t Jake build up a massive army to fight the humans?”, “Well, we got through the same thing last year, didn’t we?  So we thought we can take another chance”, replied Jagland.

They didn’t entertain any more questions or comments.

Meanwhile, the reaction from the community has been a mixture of disbelief and excitement.

“How can someone get a Nobel Peace Prize for a speech? That too a speech he didn’t even write? Jesus!”, said President of USA and Nobel laureate Barrack Obama.

“What about my speech in Mohabbatein? I stood up to face the mad ass principal for love! That was something?! May be nobody understood my speech as I was trying to overact”, said Raj Aryan talking to himself.

When asked about the announcement, “You know how it feels when you create something stupid for your own satisfaction and it reaches a place that it really doesn’t deserve?”, replied James Cameron with another question.

“Hey, that’s exactly how I felt when Kummy became the chief minister!”, quipped former prime minister Deve Gowda.

“Ofcourse he deserved a Nobel Prize. He achieved what world leaders couldn’t accomplish in Copenhagen by ‘coping with a hag‘. Hahhahah”, said English professor Mahesh Prabhu and continued to laugh at his own joke.

“He has moral fiber man..”, said Hollywood actor Emile Hirsch,” He did exactly what I said in Girl Next Door. No wonder he won a Nobel Prize” and went on to repeat the whole speech. [Must watch video here]

“Jake Sully did nothing to improve the condition of animals. Connecting your mind with theirs? What about their privacy? I want all the scenes with animals to be edited out of the movie”, demanded animal rights activist, Maneka Gandhi.

In the mean time, Cameron and his friends are working on  na’vi copulation techniques in an attempt to win Nobel Prize for physiology next year.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to a real person only means that I’m good at writing this stuff.

In an unprecedented  move, Govt. of Karnataka announced a new rule today according to which  members of Royal Challengers Bangalore squad have to speak in Kannada both on and off the field. The squad, which consists mostly of South African test players,  New Zealanders , English speaking Indians and hot cheerleaders from US is baffled by the rule.

Meanwhile, the incident has generated a wide range of remarks all over the country.

“It’s a High Court order and the Reddys want to popularize their ‘Kannada for Dumbasses‘ book series, so there is pretty much nothing that I can do about it”, said a nonchalant Yeddyurappa.

“I welcome this new rule. It’s definitely going to change the landscape of women empowerment in rural Karnataka” said a totally clueless Shobha Karandlaje before adding “I have setup a meeting with CM tonight to discuss the issue” with a wink.

“I urge the Government to start  Training In Kannada Academy (TIKA) in Hassan and make me in charge. I’ll teach those sons of bitches their first lessons in Kannada” roared former Prime Minister Deve Gowda.

“It’s very important to always speak in your mother tongue, you know. I mean it’s like your duty alwa.. That’s why I like this rule very much” opined Kannada actress and RCB brand ambassador Ramya .

Vatal Nagaraj, THE pro-kannada activist, said ” Anybody who sets foot in Karnataka should speak Kannada regardless of which state or country he/she belongs to. So educating them in Kannada medium is absolutely necessary” before excusing himself to pick up his grand daughter from Sophia’s.

“There’s no way that they are going to win against us if they speak Kannada. It’s an ordinary language” stated Virender Sehwag.

“I totally disagree with Sehwag. Speaking Kannada has a magical effect as far as cricket is concerned. How do you think I got so many wickets with those slow, full pitched deliveries that even a two year old could play? eh?”, countered India’s former bowling coach, Karnataka’s pride Venkatesh Prasad with a shy grin on his face.

All attempts to contact Vijay Mallaya, the owner of RCB have failed. Since he is technically a part of the squad, he is believed to be learning Kannada ferociously using Kannada for Dumbasses. The rumours also say that the sound ‘All izz well, All izz well, All izz well” can be heard from his house occasionally.

Okay. before you start imagining things. This post is about a ‘vaikuntha samaradhana’ ( apparently a ritual to send a dead person to ‘Gods own country’) of a friend of my grandma’s that I attended.

Two thoughts.

1)  When I saw her for the first time, she was around 75 and  I was around 3 years old. She was a widow and was living with her son. Now, if I look back and  compare our lives in the past 20 years, I cannot help but notice that my life has changed  so much and her life had been pretty much the same. She was still living with her son and probably had the same kind of conversations with her grand children everyday. But I’ve gone places.  So if I try to generalize it and plot a graph of new experiences (which I call ‘growth’) vs time, it will look something like this.

*As you can see, I’ve treated death as a major change.

So, after a certain point in your life, you will stop having new experiences and are bound to get stagnant. Your life gets monotonous. You get bored. That’s what I’ve seen. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?

But as I was drawing this graph, I realized that in our early days, changes are built into our lives. New school, new friends, new places, new cities, college, getting a job, wedding, children etc etc. Something or the other keeps changing. But after that, we don’t have any major changes in our lives that happen automatically. So ‘growth’ as I call it is not a function of age but of change. All you have to do is to bring some changes into your lives and keep it new. Doesn’t sound that difficult! #relief

2) On a not so serious but important note, it’s irritating when people, that too people of your age, that too girls come and say ‘Bhargav, is that you? Oh my God, I couldn’t recognize you at all!!‘ when all ( I think) they mean is ‘Shit, You have got so fat! What do you eat for lunch, you moron!‘. I agree it’s been 10 years since we’ve met and even I couldn’t recognize some of them, but common, it hurts. And it doesn’t really help if her grandma comes mentions some stupid thing that you did a decade ago. And it really really doesn’t help when that girl says ‘Remember that poem you used to sing just to irritate me?!‘. And it really really really doesn’t help if  your grandma says oh so proudly ‘Yeah, he still does that. He hasn’t changed at all‘. So much for a great Saturday, eh?

MAXwidget

‘Where are you from, Sir?’ the question made me turn away from the window to face my fellow traveler. It had been 10 days since I left Bangalore to visit the Valley of Flowers. I was on my way back and was deeply immersed in the process of recalling what all I had felt and experienced during the last week. Amazing scene of aarti in Haridwar, the dangerous life at Uttarakhand, the faith of pilgrims to walk 300 kms on foot from Haridwar to Badrinath, the flamboyance and generosity of Sikhs, a brief encounter with that girl who was trying hop on to a horse but was too frightened, so many things rushing into my mind as I get closer and closer to the monotonous life back home. But there was one thing which took a predominant timeslice of my hours. How come all the married couples align themselves in a way and start looking very alike?

I met a lot of couples during the journey and they all can be placed into 3 categories.

Type A couples are the ones who are very energetic and enthusiastic and want to see everything. They have been to a lot of places already and are planning to go to the rest of them. They love trekking, trying a different cuisine, talking to strangers and all kinds of different experiences. Most of the foreigners who travel to India belong to this category.

Type B couples are the ones who try to do all the things that Type A couples do either because it’s  obviously cool to be a Type A couple or because they are friends with some Type A couples. They try to be talkative and adventurous but they fail because they apparently don’t want to do all those things.

Type C couples are the ones who don’t want to try the unknown paths because they are simply afraid of them. They don’t go out of their way to talk to strangers and they always always try to take as less risk as possible.

There is nothing great or wrong with being any kind of couple but what interested me was that in all the couples I met, both the persons belonged to the same type. I never met a couple where the man and the wife were of different types! I decided there is no way to say that like people got together, fell in love and got married because I knew most of them had arranged marriages. And common, in an arranged marriage, there is no way you can know what a person’s actual views about anything in life is, let alone what type he/she belongs to. So I came to the evident conclusion that the couple tend to become like each other and after some time somehow average out. How influential (dominant?) you are in the relationship actually plays a very major role.

May be. But that’s not the point. I know I’m a Type A person and I don’t want to become anything else. I would hate myself if after some years if I find myself to be a Type B or worse Type C!  Since I’m mostly sure that I’m going to have an arranged marriage, how am I gonna  find a Type A girl? What qualities would actually determine the type of a person? What if I want to go out and try some different theatre and she doesn’t want to miss the Kannada serial at 7.30? Oh my God, is there no way to escape this impending doom??

‘Where are you from, Saab?’ He must have noticed that I was lost in my own thoughts staring at the endless paddy fields of Andhra Pradesh, he repeated his question.

‘I’m from Bangalore. Where are you from?’.

‘I’m from Ujjain. I’m a cloth merchant there. What do you do?’

‘I’m a Software Engineer.’

‘Software Engineer? What do you do?’

I explained him how we have to instruct the computer what to do in its own language.

‘It’s own language? Must be very difficult! Good. Tanquah kitna aata hai? ‘

I didn’t get him. Tanquah?

‘Money’ he said, simultaneously signaling with his hand.

‘ Not much yaar’ I said, uncomfortable with the personal query.

‘Bolo naa saab. Tanquah achcha hi to hoga’. He didn’t let me go until I told him my salary.

‘Kya? Agar utna tanquah aata hai to abhi single kyun hai saab? Shaadi kyun nahi kar lete?’

A lot of things have happened since then and I’m not even thinking of getting married in the near future. But the simplicity of the concept in his mind still makes me envious of that bastard.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.